Rord of the Lings
by SeaCreature
Summary: This is a humor fic about the whole LOTR in general. PG-13 just in case. Please R&R! Thanks! I can't think of a better title so if you think of one, tell me in you reveiw.
1. The Journey Begins

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.  
  
"What do you mean I have to destroy some stupid ring Bilbo gave me? The old geezer should just do it himself!" exclaimed Frodo about the fact that he now had to trudge to Mordor, which itself is no easy task, not to mention the fact that it wasn't exactly short either. Then he had to make his way across Mordor, the land where evil consumes you, fight off many unknown terrors, and climb up a mountain, just to toss some silly little ring into a volcano! Frodo had thought the Ring so insignificant that it wouldn't even sell at a flea market! Oh yeah, and while he was doing this there would be a war going on which was also trying to save the world and Sauron and his dark servants would be out searching for him. This was no easy task.  
"So you should leave right away. Wait! What's that sound?" Gandalf reached out the window only to retrieve Sam, Frodo's gardener.  
"EKK! Please don't hurt me!" Sam squealed.  
"I've got an even better idea! You are going on a hopeless...I mean...difficult...journey with Frodo to rid Middle Earth of evil." Gandalf grinned evilly.  
"I SAID please don't hurt me! I think that falls under the classification of you hurting me!" argued Sam.  
"Nooo.... It falls under the classification of sending you off on an unpromising journey and indirectly hurting you."  
"ANYWAY!" Frodo interrupted, "Why me?"  
"Because all the leaders of Middle Earth volunteered you, and to make it seem fair meet me in Rivendell for the Council of Elrond, where we will all pretend to listen to your worthless ideas." Said Gandalf lazily.  
"Fine! I guess we'll leave tomorrow." agreed Frodo, but reluctantly.  
  
The next day Frodo and Sam left for Rivendell, only to have Gandalf abandon them before they were even out of the Shire.  
Soon, they were trampled by Merry and Pippin, who didn't really understand the whole hopeless journey thing and just thought they were all going on a road trip.  
"Can I drive?" inquired Pippin.  
"What are you going to drive, a giant carrot?? Mmmmm... carrots..." drooled Merry. "Besides, you couldn't even see over the steering wheel!"  
"So! I'll sit on vegetables!"  
"No... you'll eat the vegetables!"  
"Mr. Frodo, do you think they will shut up anytime through the whole trip?" said Sam.  
"No. No, Sam, I highly doubt it. Thank goodness for these!" responded Frodo, as he handed Sam a pair of earplugs.  
"On the road again! I can't wait to be back on the road again! Lalala!" Merry and Pippin sang quite loudly.  
"Shut up!" screamed a very annoyed Sam.  
"Every party needs a pooper that's why we invited you!" chanted Merry and Pippin.  
"Goodbye everyone! I'm going to my happy place." Said Sam as he closed his eyes and started to hum and mutter things like "Potatoes" and "Mushrooms". A huge grin spread across his face.  
"Are we there yet?" whined Merry.  
"No stupid. Does it look like we're there yet? We're in the middle of no where!" said Pippin, "Hey Frodo, where are we going anyway?"  
"Gandalf told me to go to the Nancing Pony, and he would hopefully be there waiting." replied Frodo.  
"What? He wants us to go find a gay horse?" said a dumbstruck Merry.  
"No you idiot! It's the name of the inn!" said Frodo.  
"Oooo... Well you have to specify those types of things."  
"I'm with stupid." said Frodo, very exasperated. 


	2. In Bree

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.  
  
"Some kind of road trip this is turning out to be!!" complained Pippin.  
"No shit! Hey Frodo! Some dude in black robes is checking you out! Look over there!" mentioned Merry.  
"What the.... Oh crap! That's one of the evil people Gandalf warned me about! Everyone run!" Frodo began to sprint away, along with Sam behind him, and Merry and Pippin trailing behind them looking very confused.  
"Well why don't you go talk to him Frodo?" inquired Merry as he caught up to Frodo, "I mean sure he doesn't have any fashion sense and he looks kind of possessed, but give him a chance! Why don't you invite him to dinner?"  
"You idiot! He's evil and he wants to kill us all! He works for Sauron and if you don't keep running you won't have second breakfast tomorrow morning!" threatened Frodo.  
"Well when you put it that way... Hey Pippin! Catch up!" bellowed Merry, which caught the attention of the Black Rider.  
"Good job moron! Now he's following us!" Pippin said as he rolled his eyes at Merry.  
"Get on that raft and we'll have to sail to Bree!" ordered Frodo.  
"What do you mean Bree? Like, the cheese Bree or the town?" said Merry.  
"The town of course! You idiot!"  
Later that night after they had arrived at the gate to Bree.  
"Oh great! There's a line up! If you three had only run a bit faster we would already be checked in!" complained Frodo.  
"Look! The gatekeeper is asking three questions to get in! I sure hope they're easy!" observed Sam.  
"Well, we can watch this guy in front of us go." said Pippin.  
The gatekeeper was a small old man, with only rags on and bits of gray hair everywhere, and his many deep wrinkles were collecting water in the rain. He had a staff in his hand, which he would use to turn the people who got the questions wrong into toads.  
"If the inside of this gate you want to see, you must answer me these questions three." The old gatekeeper said to the man in front of them.  
"Go ahead gatekeeper! I am not afraid!" said the man, his voice trembling.  
"What... is you name?"  
"I am Botho of the Shire."  
"What... is your quest?"  
"I'm only visiting family in Bree! Please just let me in!"  
"What...is the airspeed velocity of a swallow?"  
"Well...well I don't know that! Ahh!"  
  
Crack of light from the gatekeeper's staff   
  
"Ribit! Croak!" The man was turned into a frog.

"You four!" said the gatekeeper, "What... are you names?"

"I'm Frodo, this is Merry, Pippin, and Sam."

"What...is your quest?"

"To destroy an evil ri..." said Merry, but Frodo cut him off just in time.

"We just want to stay in the Nancing Pony! We're not up to anything evil! No, not us four hobbits from the Shire!" said Frodo, trying to drown out Merry.

"What...are you favorite colors?"

"Umm...blue." said Frodo.

"Green." said Sam.

"Red." Said Pippin.

"Umm... lets see...what looks best on me...Pink!" said Merry. "Pink?" said the three other hobbits. "My mother wanted a girl, alright! When I was a baby, she always dressed me up in pink and damn it I was cute!" Merry retorted, and he went to go sulk in a corner.

"Fine you four. Go in the town." said the gatekeeper.  
  
They all checked in at the Nancing Pony and sat down for drinks.

"Ahhh...beer." they all drooled.  
"Damn Frodo! You must be more appealing than I thought! There's another guy checking you out!" observed Pippin.  
"Gosh! Another evil guy! They just keep coming and coming!" said Merry.  
"Well, I'm so drunk, I feel like making a total fool of myself! You in Merry?" said Pippin in a dazed way.  
"Let's go sing on the top of that table!" suggested Merry. Pippin agreed and off they went.  
"So are they sticking around for this whole journey thingy?" questioned Sam.  
"I guess so, and long as some as some drunk guys don't decide to pick them up." Frodo said as he saw guys throwing money on the table Merry and Pippin were dancing on.  
"No sorry, we can't go home with you. We're here with Frodo Baggins."  
"Don't say my name!!!!" said Frodo in a panicked way as he leapt on the two and dragged them down. While doing this, the Ring made it's way on Frodo's finger and he disappeared.  
"Where the heck am I? Who are you?" Frodo questioned the big red Eye in front of him.  
"I see you!" it responded.  
"Well I can see that! You're right in front of me!" said Frodo.  
"I've dispatched my evil servants to find you and kill you and take back what is mine! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"  
"Well someone's in a bad mood! You want this Ring? You can't have it! I'm taking it off now! Have a shitty day! I hope a very large stick pokes your very large eye!" Frodo said rudely. He took off the Ring and everything was back to normal. That is until the man in the corner who was checking him out earlier grabbed him and dragged him upstairs.  
"What did you see?" he demanded.  
"What's it to ya?" Frodo shot back.  
"I am Strider, a friend of Gandalf's. He is having some technical difficulties with Saruman and has been delayed. I am here to guide you."  
"How am I supposed to know you are telling the truth?"  
"Please???" persuaded Strider as he gave Frodo puppy eyes.  
"Fine! I believe you!"  
"So I am going to lead you to Rivendell where we will have the Council of Elrond."  
"Please don't hurt him or us!" squealed Sam, Merry, and Pippin as they all jumped into the room to try to save Frodo.  
"Don't worry you guys! This nice man has volunteered to lead us to Rivendell." Said Frodo, trying to calm them down.  
"Yes. We're leaving in the morning. Go sleep while I take watch, and whatever you do, don't make me tap my special pin!" commanded Strider.  
"What pin?" asked Pippin.  
"This one!" Strider tapped the pin on the color of his cloak that read "Because You Are A Fucking Idiot!"  
"What do you have that" said Sam.

TAP TAP TAP   
  
"Why did you do that?"  
TAP TAP TAP   
"Fine! I'll go to sleep!"  
  
The next day was filled with nothing but complaints.  
"Strider! I'm hungry!"  
"Strider! I'm thirsty!"  
"Strider! Can we stop?"  
"Strider! My feet hurt!"  
"Strider! Are we there yet?"  
"Strider! I don't feel well!"  
"Strider! I need a break!"  
"Strider! When's second breakfast?"  
"Strider! I don't feel like destroying an evil Ring!"  
"Strider! I'm tired!"  
"Strider! I have a sliver!"  
"Strider! I want to go home!"  
"Strider! I have to go to the bathroom!"  
"Strider? Is that your real name?"  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Strider blew up on the hobbits. "Someone needs an attitude adjustment!" said Merry. TAP TAP TAP "No. My real name is not Strider. It's Aragorn. And I want you all to just can it for the rest of the trip! Do I make myself clear?!?!" responded Aragorn.  
"Yes Aragorn." The hobbits said in union.  
"There are more of those evil guys behind us!" squealed Sam.  
"Oh crap! You all go sit at Weathertop while I fight off all of them." Ordered Aragorn.  
"Yes Aragorn." They all said.  
Unfortunately, the Black riders came up to Weathertop and surrounded the four hobbits. Sam, Merry, and Pippin all quickly backed away so one of the Riders came up and stabbed Frodo.  
"AHHH!" howled Frodo in pain.  
After Aragorn fought off the Riders, he went to Frodo's aid.  
"Mr. Frodo! Are you ok?" said a very flustered and concerned Sam.  
"DO I LOOK OK???" howled Frodo, very annoyed with Sam's stupidity. "Sam, find kingsfoil! It will heal Frodo! And for goodness sake don't wet yourself! He might be ok!" commanded Aragorn.  
"Surprise! I found you!" said a woman's voice.  
"Oh crap!" said a surprised Aragorn. TAP TAP TAP "Well? Are you happy to see me?" said the woman.  
"Oh yeah...Just thrilled... Arwen." Said Aragorn sarcastically. This was all he needed today, a visit from his very annoying and possessive girlfriend, Arwen. TAP TAP TAP "Well I'm taking Frodo to my father to be healed. Bye!"  
Arwen threw Frodo on the back of her horse and rode off into the night. "Next stop, Rivendell!"


End file.
